I’m usually a sponge for unfortunate maladies, particularly viruses—I invariably catch whatever bug happens to be going around. However, this summer is different. Every single one of my friends have fallen ill with a vicious virus that has left them bedridden and feeble—but I’m still well.
This has led me to the conclusion that the virus is sentient, and evil. It has already infected me but is waiting for the precise minute I step foot onto Thai soil to release itself into my cells.
Then it will infect Tim, who will thus be unable to carry my heavy bags of new clothes, which will break loose and fall into the beautiful Andaman sea, whereupon the bag I put them in will break and be eaten by the last of a species of endangered whale, suffocating it. The whale will beach itself on Patong Beach and officials will find it, with my name tag attached, along with various other sea mammals strangled by G2000-brand clothing (including a rare and venomous sea snake), drag me in to Thai prison, and that will be the end of me.
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