i came thisclose to death or serious injury yesterday. three or four inches and i would have hit a very big, very sturdy looking tree. i don't even really care that my car's totalled, and although i worry about the pther party's medical bills that i will probably have to pay, i feel very lucky to be alive.... somebody up there loves me, that's for damn sure. it just freaks me out that i caused the accident and that i was completely unaware of what was happening... i couldn't have prevented it. funny how a split second staring at a car headed straight for you can really put things into perspective. it makes me shudder. i could be dead right now. inches away.....

i went to visit you today. it was very hot and sunny, but there was a cool breeze near your grave. we brought you white flowers that withered in the sun.

i miss you so much. happy mother's day.

wrote this while hopelessly bored at work....

Beige
Sitting, Staring
at the plastic calm
hiding so well the troubled storm
of emotions, worries, goals unmet
boredom, loneliness, mounting debt
administrative banalities
muttered obscenities
Frustrated, feeling
that i may never escape the
painted, peeling
walls that shape
the boundaires of my self-made prison--
dampened hopes, blurry vision

MatTrix700: i've wanted medicine since i was very young

Wish You Were Here

I once threw out a half-whispered wish,
Flung it out into the depths of an abyss
It floated there for awhile, on gossamer wings,
Borne up by hope and sunshiny things

And as i watched, there came a silver cloud
-it looked so very innocent at first-
That wrapped around the wings, a silver shroud
And then the veil caused those frail wings to burst

And as I watched my wish plummet down
I noticed that there were other wishes too
Made by others, falling, not my own
More than one made me think of you

And wonder whether somewhere in the somnolent dark,
The pieces of our splintered wishes met--
Before your dream, and my half-muttered soliloquy,
Shattered on the rocks of reality.

I was looking through a stack of old floppies and found this half-written essay on one of the disks. I wonder what else i I would have said if i finished it.... and before anyone reads it, i do apologize for the choppiness and the overuse of innapropriate words, and the syntax errors....this WAS two years ago...

The attempt of a moral argument for drugs attacks much broader issues than just the immediate health and legal problems associated with drug use. In order to form a cohesive and adequately comprehensive argument for drugs, the issue of why drugs are stigmatized must be addressed. Thus, an attack on the commonly held belief that drugs are “bad” must argue against the very precepts of society as the world has constructed it. In order for drugs to become socially acceptable, even laudable, there must first be a drastic paradigm shift. Are the values that capitalistic societies uphold really the values that should be upheld? Is drug use labeled as immoral because it is dangerous to the individual, as is so often proclaimed, or because it threatens the existing power base?

It is not without good reason that most countries adopt a strict anti-drug policy. Drugs are seen as a matter of great international importance; among the first international intelligence sharing between post-Cold War Russia and the United States had to do with information regarding the movements and activities of drug cartels between the two nations.

Among other reasons, drug use has been viewed as immoral because it poses a threat to society. In particular, the societal norms of Western civilization mandate a control of one’s senses and actions, and drugs are seen as detrimental to such capacity for control. Indeed, an individual under the influence of a highly potent hallucinogen such as PCP, or in the grasp of a debilitating heroin addiction, is in many ways an inactive member of their society. The drug addict is effectively a non-member of society- one who contributes marginally, if at all, to the advancement or sustenance of the state or government, while at the same time contributing to the deteriorating effects of underground economies and organized crime that threaten to undermine the control governments have on their citizens as well as their economy. The nonexistence of conventional methods for control in the drug world make violence the necessary means of control, thus directly threatening the lives of anti-drug task force workers and innocent bystanders alike. Drug use creates an alternative society, based on different mores and relying on an alternative, underground economy, operated by underground organizations (drug cartels) which rival established nations’ resources and power, and thus posing a very real threat to the livelihood and safety of the citizens of established nations.

The question then arises as to whether the values held by society are necessarily the values that are best for humanity. Is capitalism, and the relentless pursuit of money, any less damning than the relentless pursuit of drugs? People commit suicide due to drug problems, but people also commit suicide because of money problems. Likewise, society condemns drugs citing health risks, while it does not condemn risky activities such as extreme sports. Gambling is a multibillion dollar industry, yet it creates addictions that ruin lives; tobacco and alcohol are extremely hazardous, yet the government wouldn’t dream of pulling the plug on such large revenue generators. It is notable, however, that tobacco does not alter the consciousness, and thus poses no threat to established society. Though alcohol does alter the consciousness, it is nevertheless accepted, thus illustrating yet another paradox.

Societal condemnation of drugs has proven to be extremely case-specific, and aimed towards self-sustenance. Drugs are criticized as deadly and a major health risk, but many indigenous cultures have used drugs as part of their religious rituals without the observed hazardous effects that occur in Western society. Drugs, particularly hallucinogens, cause the user to too often think “outside the box”- an activity that can be dangerous in a society where homeostasis is maintained by conformity.

okay, finding a job in LA has been more difficult than i had hoped. but i'll keep trying, and hopefully i'll and a respectable position that won't relegate me to, say, removing staples out of stacks of paper all day long.

i had a dream last night, and woke up with a very bad stomachache, and generally very agitated. when this happens, it usually means my dream will come true. it's very strange, i know, but i wrote down what happened in the dream, and i am keeping it stored away to see if it really happens. if it does come true, i'll have written proof that i knew what would happen...but i can't repeat my dream to anyone for fear of actually causing the event.

on mark's away message:

"Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if computer games affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching on magic pills, and listening to repetitive electronic music". Kristian Wilson, Nintendo Inc, 1989

a most interesting blog.... The Suburban Limbo

i love paris in the springtime...but i am not there so instead i'm humming this song and checking the low, low prices and growing wistful....New Frontiers - France & Europe vacations

i am too pooped. i refuse to leave the house.

i found out last night that indeed, i partied way harder on thursday than i remember.

unbeknownst to me, i had, while drunk, been dancing (i rarely dance with much gusto), talking my head off about various useless subjects including but not limited to my newly-discovered uncomfortability with people touching me, eating burritos (i have NO recollection of any burrito whatsoever), and even mysteriously disappearing for a period if time, during which god-knows-what could have happened. ugh.

so i'm spending the entire day catching up on much-needed sleep and generally vegging out. i'm even going to church tomorrow.

i went to southcoast earlier and almost bought shoes from charles david, until i realized that, even with the 40% off i could get from stella, the shoes would STILL be around $90.00! then i went to target afterwards and spent $90.00. go figure.

note to self: getting belligerently inebriated and stumbling around LA blabbering about goodness-knows-what, swilling beer and vanilla vodka like there's no tomorrow, passing out, and waking up at 6:30am STILL in LA when i need give my sis a ride to school at 7 are NOT good ideas for a weeknight.

i've eaten an unholy amount of food today. two large steaks (at least 10 oz each) and two small buckets of salsa and 1/4 loaf of crusty bread... and that was just LUNCH. then i went home and saw that my dad had a gigantic chicken on the grill and veggies with balsamic vinegar, and i'm now convinced that i will either explode or shit out a monster tapeworm.

i'm going to see jason bentley spin tonight, yay! maybe i'll barf all over him....

My dad took me to "Monday Night @ the Grove" service last night. I told him I didn't want to go but that I'd go if he wanted me to. I actually liked it--it made me think. Greg Laurie was speaking...and he said some things that struck a chord in me, though I must admit I don't agree with everything he said. Obviously, I still have some major issues to work out with God, but maybe avoiding Him isn't quite the solution I thought it would be....it's just that I don't want to lose myself again. I've never been as closed-minded as when I was a devout Christian. It's scary trying to go back. I don't even know if I could, or if I should.

Off to yoga class!

Why do my poems always seem to end up in iambic pentameter?

Revealed--a dusty shard of memory
Forgotten fragments of a long-lost dream
Come forth with sudden perspicacity
And standing out like Islands in the Stream

Caught and glimmering, shining in the light
For one brief moment bursting into song
The fleeting glimpse of hope I once held tight
But when I reached to grasp it, it was gone

And in my small still empty outstretched hand
Are only aspirations, yearnings, goals
That slip between like silky grains of sand
Yet sear my hands and soul like burning coals.

LMAOWeblog Entry - 03/30/2002: "The Heterosexual Questionnaire"

Les Iles du Frioul, Marseilles, France, April 5, 2002:

It's amazing to be able to sit and hear only the crash of waves and the cries of seagulls and the wind blowing past my ears.


I'm sitting on a rock looking out at the Mediterranean Sea--the rocks are a sunbleached white, and they stand out from the gemlike turquoise of the ocean below. It's very windy, and the air smells fresh and crisp, not salty and briny like at home. I envy the seagulls that are floating around playfully in front of me.

I love it here. It is so far, far away form home, and I'm glad I had the will--and the means--to travel to the Mediterranean again. The light seems more pure, the sun more friendly, than any other place I've been to. In two days It'll be back to "normal life," my stupid car, the innane job, bills, bills, cell phones, law school applications, loneliness....but right now, I'm not worried about any of that. Because I'm sitting on a rock in the French Riviera, drinking a carton of (delicious) white grape and mandarin orange juice, smoking a Mild Seven Light that I lit with my "I love Amsterdam" lighter, and enjoying life perhaps more than I deserve to. Life is good. No, life is beautiful.

In the Basilique de Fouveiere, Lyon, France. April 3, 2002

I climbed up a steep hillside garden sprinkeld with tulips and trees that showered small white petals like a delightful spring rain. The hill was so steep that I closed my eyes, feeling the weight of my camera strap against my neck like a pendulum, and imagined I was walking up the central street in Riomaggiore. At the top of the hill there was a panoramic view of the city, its orange rooftops gathered closely around the two great rivers that bisect it.

The inside of the basilica is gilded to the hilt, but done nicely, with a subdued rainbow of pastel colors. Organ music echoes through the space, as do the footsteps of churchgoers and tourists. The vaulting on these ceilings are interesting--either I've forgotten what kind they are, or I never learned of them.

The stained glass windows are truly a sight to behold--the colors are very nuanced, and I can see the details and shadowing of the clothing, and the stripes on a tiger's back. The side windows (there are 3 sets of 3 panels on each side) are more subtle than the three giant windows behind the altar tht display a profusion of royal purples, reds, blues, and oranges in a sunburst of color.

On the steps of the Sacre Couer, Paris, 4/1/02:

A man is standing in front of the steps, turning a crank on a machine that plays beautiful accordion-like osngs. People keep applauding him, but all he's doing is turning the crank!

---

My hotel room at Coulaincourt Square, Montmarte, Paris, 4/1/02:

I'm sitting here watching German MTV--a guy named J-luv feat. Cutty, "O.U.T" is rapping in German, with a liberal sprinkling of "Dirty Mama's" and "Bitches." One thing i miss about Amsterdam is the great music they play in every coffeeshop. I think I'm going to go walk around Montmarte later, hang out at a cafe with some the, and have my picture drawn by one of the artistes.

I wonder why i still go to church. To an extent, I'm still a Christian. I believe that there is a God and that there is such a thing as heaven and hell, but I struggle with the idea that Protestant Christianity is the only way to salvation. But somehow, when I'm wandering around Notre Dame, or sitting in the Sacre Couer, or listening to the organ at Sainte Eustache, or staring breathless at the light in Sainte Chapelle, I'm convinced that our lives must be directed, composed, by a benevolent deity. My problem is that I can't seem to reconcile the religion I've been taught with the life I've come to live. It seems to me that if God were the type of deity I'd want to commit my life to, he'd understand me and not mind the things that I do.

Cassis in the south of France

4/4/02 Journal Entry, Marseilles, France

I went to Cassis today-a beautiful small beach town on the French Riveira where the water was as clear as a swimming pool.... I ate a kebab and drank red wine on the beach. We tried to hike up to the chateau but got (kind of) lost....or stoned... and ended up in a cafe drinking capuccino waiting for the storm to subside..

Jonathan and I just took a bunch of hilarious pictures of Julie while she was sleeping....

The europeans have these wonderous things called Kinder-Surprises... they're chocolate eggs with a capsule inside that contains a small toy. I seem to have rather bad luck with the toys, I always get the French guy. Sometimes, (Julie's friend told me) you get the strangest things in a Kinder Suprise. With all the small parts in theese toys, I don't think they'll ever become popular with Americans...or at least the impending lawsuits will drie everyone away.

So i went to this restaurant called Coquillages Toineau tonight and ate an obscene amount of seafood (and drank some great Cotes du Rhone) and smoked , so I'm pretty gone right now.

Keukenhof, Holland


Journal entry March 30th, 2002--Amsterdam

FINALLY, i got a pen! I arrived in paris on the 28th, after a long-ass delay...went to the Luxembourg gardens and around the Ile de la Cite. I found the cover picture for Adam Gopnik's Paris to the Moon!
I've had a...mind-bogglingly good stay here since i arrived yesterday. hehe. Everything's pretty much the same as i remember it, except for my green patch at the lake in Vondelpark. I barfed all over my backpack today because i ate too many Philosopher Stones.

I went to Keukenhof yesterday to sniff the tulips...the miles of tulips...and got lost trying to find the maze (!) Dutch food still sucks. I'm supposed to meet Sherry at 3 tomorrow at Gare de Lyon.


Six million tulips and a trippy lake...and substances...*sigh*

i know that upheaval is a catalyst for change, but how is one to know whether such change is beneficial? something good has to come out of the shitty things that have been happening to me lately, but growing is such a painful process. i wish i could just live in denial in my own stagnant pool of mediocrity, refusing to budge and making excuses for anything that challenges my comfy status quo.

on monday i drank a rum and coke, two glasses of red wine, three shots of tequila and a cadillac margarita. needless to say, i threw up in the parking lot and later at mcclaine's, and woke up feeling like shit. that's the last time i go to happy hour, but i did have lots of fun for a monday night.

reading "blood and gold" right now. i'm not too sure i'm an anne rice fan anymore.

i think i'm moving to LA very soon.

ugh. i'm 22. it's finally hitting me. not 21, but 22. whether i feel like it or not, i'm an adult... i no longer have the excuse of being just a kid, or even very young and naive. it's horrible to think that i won't be looking forward to my birthdays anymore, and that before i know it, i'll actually be dreading them. am i to become a boring, soulless sellout yuppie? oh dear... *bites nails in anxiety*.....

Islands in the Stream was a beautiful book, but i wouldn't expect less from Hemingway. I love that the title serves the double purpose of describing both the physical location of the islands in the Gulf Stream, and the the episodic narrative that recounts "islands" in the stream of the Tom's life.

I'm reading Suzanne's Diary for Nicolas right now--it's engaging, and sappy, and romantic...a good one-day beach read.

France was amazing. I still need to transcribe my journal entries to this page.....

when i was in france last weekend, the bush/blair summit was a pretty big deal...yet when i came home, i found that nobody i know even heard about them, which is strange since they were held in crawford, texas. i have a sneaking suspicion that the american media didn't want to show us how utterly stupid bush looks next to tony blair.
americans, read and weep; this is our leader:
Bush, Blair Pledge Quest for Lasting Middle East Peace