i had an interesting discussion yesterday about whether we use morals as a cover-up for the fact that we actually always do what is in our own best interest.

por ejemplo, i'd like to think that i want to have a successful career because i want to be able to provide for my children the opportunities i lacked as a child. but doesn't that mean that i'd also live a pretty comfortable life? i don't even particularly like kids. are my morals just a sham to trick myself into believing that i'm less selfish than i really am? i'd like to believe otherwise.

where do morals come from? i used to think i knew the answer--that morals come from God. but now that i'm not so sure. if i create my own morals, then i am my own God, and that's scary because i don't know what the hell i'm doing. whatever happened to my faith? it's discouraging to think that something i used to believe so, so strongly, albeit blindly, i now question with such skepticism.

abliet? albeit? skepticism? scepticism? oh, nevermind....

i never thought i'd say this, but....i miss school. work is just so...dreary. i wonder if every job i ever have will be just as ploddingly routine. i guess that's what happens when you're forced to be somewhere for 8 hours a day when the sun is shining outside and you'd rather be anywhere but in a stuffy, flourescent-lit building. would i still hate work if i were forced to, say, write for 8 hours a day? actually, i probably would. i hated writing in college.

i drank 8 metropolitans on saturday night.

i have a new additiction to add to my list, below Lawry's prime rib: Doubletree cookies!

lisa works at doubletree, where, bless them, every guest gets a fresh, warm cookie at check-in. lisa gets them for free and brings them home so she can watch me drool like a pavlovian fiend.

if left alone with a bunch, i will most likely consume until i die. don't rats do that with cocaine?

on saturday, i, in my infinite wisdom, decided to apply to santa clara law school while still half-asleep. i proceeded to pay for my $60 application fee online, and right after hitting the "submit" button, i realized that i have a fucking FEE WAIVER for the school. now, i feel too stupid to ask for my money back, because in fact i lost the fee waiver and would need them to mail me another one. well, actually, i did call the school anonymously and said "i'm sorry but i accidentally paid for the application fee because i forgot my fee waiver, that i somehow lost. could you give me my $60 back?" the tone of the admissions director's voice indicated that she would put a big red "X" on my application should she ever disciver my identity...so i've decided to not request my fee waiver and take it all as a $60 lesson. dammit.

on monday, i went shopping at Ralphs and bought $78 worth of groceries for $29. i am so proud. double coupons baby, yeah!

check this out: KurzweilAI.net

okay. time to write this down before i forget it, or convince myself it's not true:

On Saturday, September 14, 2002, I was in San Diego with my friend Nadia Richardson. Nadia and I spent the night at her friend Bettina's house. That night, I had a dream. It went like this:

I was in the back driver's side seat of a car or van, looking out the back window. The scenery was receding before me because I was moving backwards. I was passing through a bustling street, except something told me that this wasn't an ordinary street, and the people weren't ordinary people. Everything was bathed in a golden light, and the buildings looked like they had golden trees intervowen into the walls. The best way I can explain it is that it reminded me of Rivendell in The Lord of the Rings, except with cars and buildings. I was in awe of this place, but the people who were in the car with me (they were my friends in the dream, but I don't know them in real life) seemed nonchalant.

I wanted to take a picture of this place, so I reached into my backpack to grab my camera, but my camera was stuck on something inside my bag. Then, we passed through a tunnel that went through a mountain, so I couldn't take the picture.

When we emerged from the tunnel, I was sitting facing the front of the car. I looked behind me, and saw that the golden light from the strange land behind the mountain was filtering in through the clouds. It was beautiful. I looked to my left, and saw waves crashing against a cliff. The water was covered in strange green algae that covered the waves like a blanket.

This next part is not a dream.

When I woke from my dream, I was mesmerized, and stunned because I remembered it so clearly (I still do). I told Nadia and Bettina about my dream. I also told Sherry and Tim.

Now here comes the eerie part....

A month later, Tim and I were supposed to go on a week-long cruise to the Mexican Riviera. We bought our tickets, packed, everything. Two days before departure, a hurricane hit Cabo San Lucas, and our cruise was cancelled. We were, of course, totally bummed out...so we decided to take a vacation somewhere else instead. We ended up deciding on Hawaii.

While we were in Hawaii, we rented a car and drove into the middle of the island.

I was sitting in the front passenger seat.

It was sunset, and we were driving towards a mountain. I tried to take a picture, but my camera ran out of batteries, so I couldn't. We were traveling towards a mountain. I looked in front of me and the golden light was filtering in from behind the mountain, just like my dream. This was the exact same image that I saw in my dream. Then, I looked to my right and saw waves crashing against a cliff.

Then, we drove through a tunnel that went through the mountain.

I couldn't believe it. I barely do even now.

This has raised many questions for me.

Was I fated to miss my cruise and go to Hawaii by default?

Since everything happened in reverse in real life, the strange Rivendell-like land bathed in golden light was supposd to be at the other end of the mountain. But it wasn't.

I think it's especially strange that everythng I saw in my dream happened in reverse when I actually saw it in real life, like a mirror image. I have a theory, if a very farfetched one: you know how when you look at things, the image is actually projected upside down and mirror-image onto the back of your retina, but your brain turns the image right side up for you? Maybe that has something to do with the reverse order of reality to my dream, because I was not seeing with my eyes.

This is no joke. If I can find Nadia (we lost touch), I can prove it. Sherry and Tim have vague memories of me telling them about my dream before I went to Hawaii. I wish I would have written it down so I would have concrete proof.

Can anyone enlighten me on these very creepy events? This is by far the weirdest, most fascinating thing that has ever happened to me.

Just when I thought that the LSACD (law school application CD) could torture me no more.....

I was playing around with it (since, goddammit, it was expensive, and I wanted to see what I paid for) and found a diaolical little part of the CD that calculates, based on your GPA and LSAT score, the probability that you will be accepted into certain schools.

Now, during my free time, I hunch over my computer looking up my chances and cringing at the results.

I mailed out six applications this weekend. three more and i'm done. now begins the four-to-six-month period of agonizing waiting. i've always wondered what berkeley's rejection letter looks like....

"Reality is what doesn't go away when you stop believing in it."
--Philip K. Dick