theories on the inner workings of the universe

Instead of corruption levels, here’s an interesting topic for social scientists to conduct a study on:

Has anyone else noticed the direct relationship between the level of happiness in a relationship and collective weight gain? It seems when I was in relationships where I argued and cried and shouted all the time, I would neglect to eat and therefore lost weight. But over the last two, blissfully argument-free years, I have gained FIFTEEN pounds.

Coincidence? Perhaps not:

Is happiness quanitifiable as a coefficient of the amount of weight you gain? And if weight gain reaches a certain threshold, after which it causes partners to find one another mutually unattractive, would the phenomenon then self-rectify, causing the couple to break up, resulting in weight loss and restoring previous equilibrium?

Could we solve America’s obesity problem by making everyone miserable, like forcing each and every citizen to date Anna Nicole Smith?

Another unrelated observation: I have discovered this week that the dishwasher eats medium-sized glasses in very much the same manner that the dryer eats one of each pair of socks.

This observation reinforces my yet-unproved hypothesis that the inertia of certain household appliances causes disruptions in the time-space continuum through which small but select items are sucked.

Somewhere in another dimension exists a universe comprised exclusively of mismatched socks and medium-capacity glassware.